Death and mourning are always particularly painful ordeals, although this inevitable destination remains our only certainty. If we can at least take comfort when a death seems to be "in the order of things", so to speak, it can only cause unspeakable pain when it precisely escapes this natural order, when a life is taken much too soon following an illness or a sordid accident. Children sometimes ask disturbing questions to their elders:"Are you going to die, one day?". But never does it occur to us to turn it over — until we are suddenly confronted with it, for the unluckiest among us.
The loss of a child is so contrary to all our instincts — all the more so in our post-industrial societies where infant mortality is extremely low and the echo of less prosperous times — that it has something to lose the reason, sometimes without return. How can you blame a parent for letting themselves slowly die of grief after losing their child? We live in a world whose basic unit is precisely the atomic family:to lacerate it in this way is such a vile blow of fate that it is enough to make the most pious lose faith, faced with the absurdity of human condition. Grieving like this takes years, and the pain never completely goes away.
However, as a grandparent, the penalty is double. First, there is the direct one linked to the recently disappeared grandchild. But to this is added that of seeing your own child devastated by mourning. However, grief is not a mathematical sum resulting from the addition of these two torments:the grief of grandparents is unique and distinct from that of parents. How then to mourn, and accompany your child in his own?
First, know that there is no "right" way to grieve. The reactions following a death - whatever it is - are extremely varied from one person to another. Some may, for example, enter a long torpor and others may begin to suffer from insomnia. Some find themselves not crying and seeming almost placid, which can lead to feelings of guilt, as if they don't feel as much pain as they should. However, whatever your reaction, keep in mind that it is unique to you and that it is no less legitimate than any other. In such a personal and sensitive subject, there is no one way to proceed or react — the best is still yours.
The involvement of grandparents in the lives of their grandchildren, of course, varies from family to family. The geographical distance, the more or less important time spent with the child, and quite simply varied dispositions to give of his person make that the closeness of the generational links varies with much more amplitude from one family to another. than in the parent-child relationship. While some saw each other only rarely, during family reunions, and therefore did not maintain very close relations, others contributed directly to the education of their grandchildren, being regularly solicited by the parents. — to play the nannies for example. Nevertheless, the emotional attachment remains most often important in both cases:a grandchild is a loved one even before being born. It thus emerges that the intensity of the pain is more a function of the emotional attachment of the grandparent to his grandchild than of their closeness strictly speaking - and some are even surprised at the violence of their emotions on this occasion, sometimes having had little contact with the child, or even having broken it.
These emotions assail the bereaved in myriads—sometimes in contradictory ways. Although we often talk about the seven stages of grief, it is far from being a long calm river, and it is common for these stages to overlap, and for these emotions to feed each other. Anger, like the (survivor's) guilt to which it relates, is completely normal. They are fueled by regrets and remorse that need to be expressed. Evoking the child, showing that he also mattered to you and that your grief is different but real (that there is no "hierarchy" among the bereaved) is essential to get rid of it. Here, physical activity can help release anger.
These feelings of helplessness and guilt are moreover likely to be shared by your child:take care to reassure him by reminding him that he is not responsible for this loss, and while recognizing that he is normal and even healthy to have such feelings. Giving your child these tips can also ease your own remorse. Sometimes you need to see someone in the same situation to realize that you are being too hard on yourself — and who would you want to show more tenderness to than your own child?
Perhaps because of the taboo that death remains in our society — and even more so in the case of a child's death — many may feel uncomfortable and awkwardly express their support. Try to ignore it and focus on the signs of attention behind it. It is very important for grandparents to receive support, and not to forget themselves in the service of parents. Seeing a mental health professional — some are bereavement specialists — can be life-saving, with the additional benefit of providing external support, not being grieving unlike much of your surroundings. And don't feel obligated to reply to every message of condolence you may receive. These are above all a mark of affection on the part of their senders, and should in no way be perceived as a source of additional pressure.
A feeling of helplessness often assails grandparents in the face of their child's despair. This one faces a test you can't do anything about - which of course goes against parental instinct. Nevertheless, it is up to you to offer him support, both emotional and practical (by offering to do the shopping, cooking, etc.), during his own mourning. This can sometimes involve stepping back — many other loved ones are affected by the death, often including another set of grandparents, and there is something to "suffocate" the family with our solicitude — which can heard to be hard for you to live with. It's about being sensitive to the needs of the family — which can be volatile — and not taking the expression of a need for space personally.
Remember that everyone grieves in their own way:your respective relationships to the child, as well as your respective personalities, mean that although you may feel similar emotions, you will not have the same ways of expressing and manage them as your child. It is important not to impose your vision of grief on him. While it may seem delicate to evoke the deceased child, it is actually cathartic to mention his name, and to offer the chance to your child to talk about him, evoke memories, etc. Feeling listened to is a great relief for the bereaved:even if your interventions are driven by good intentions, never try to dominate the conversation.
Be careful, if it is important to help him in his bereavement to listen to your child, this can require a lot of patience and prove to be trying for you too. Some grandparents feel isolated in this period, the focus being mostly on the parents and siblings of the child, the pain caused by the bereavement of the generation above being somewhat minimized. The main challenge for a grandparent in this situation is to achieve his own grief while accompanying his child in his own. However, these two tasks sometimes compete.
Finally, we must not forget the possible brothers and sisters of the deceased child. The expression of grief in children is influenced by that of the adults around them. If their family environment is too heavy during this period, you can make yourself useful by subtracting them from it. By expressing your feelings with them about this loss, you can also take advantage of this time spent together to help them digest theirs. Do not hesitate to write to them to remind them that you are there for them. Don't be offended if you don't get a response:know that a simple message from you telling them that you are available for them will have a comforting effect.
The question is how to overcome these emotions, how to digest them in order to move forward, without having the impression of "abandoning" the deceased child. Some people tend to languish in their mourning, which seems to them to be their last tangible link with the deceased. Grieving takes years, and it's a safe bet that you will be forever changed by this ordeal, but rebuilding does not mean forgetting the child. We must move forward, if not for you, at least for your bereaved child.
