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How to react to the coming out of a grandchild?

How to react to the coming out of a grandchild?

While there is still a long way to go, we live in a world that is more open to difference than ever. Thanks to the struggles of pioneers, many of whom died in poverty and contempt during the worst hours of the AIDS epidemic, it is now easier to come out — this word referring to to the English expression "come out of the closet", the closet being that of the stifling masquerade played by those unable or unwilling to accept their difference. Of which act. Trend ? Not at all, because there is certainly nothing pleasant in inventing a difference that is still too often a vector of stigmatization. And if we are not more often born homosexual or trans today, a climate that has become relatively benevolent naturally leads more people to announce (or reveal) their identity as such - or quite simply to realize it:so many centuries of oppression and repression may have led the first concerned to ignore themselves.

It is therefore not impossible that one day or another, the news will fall:one of your grandchildren is coming out. Here are some tips to react to this situation and to accompany it with love in the awareness of oneself and its intimate development. Please note, this is an article aimed at grandparents who are understanding and wish to best support this sometimes difficult ordeal. It aims to make this moment easier to live with for the person who performs it, and not for those who have a problem with it. Because if some tend to forget it, it is not a question of you and your feelings when a person comes out, but of the first person concerned himself!

Just remind him that you love him

If the word used is the same, the first question arises as to what type of coming-out we are talking about. Is it indeed a revelation about his sexuality (that is to say, to put it simply, of a coming out as homosexual.le or bi), or about his identity as gender (which in this case, let us remember, would then vary from their biological sex at birth). The first scenario being intimate, it is naturally easier to understand, your grandchild's sexuality having no influence on your relationship - at least ideally, since both the reaction of loved ones that the fear of the first concerned in front of this reaction can unfortunately affect the relationship. On the other hand, when a person announces their transgender identity, it also requires some adjustments on the part of those around them.

Nevertheless, there is a constant to adopt:react with love and kindness above all.

Be aware that taking the risk of exposing yourself to public opprobrium by making this kind of revelation, unfortunately still not insignificant, often results from a long process of becoming aware of yourself, your desires and your identity, and a feeling of inadequacy in relation to societal standards. This can be a hard revelation for the person affected in the first place to accept. This is therefore not done lightly, and it is neither a whim nor a phase. There is no reason to argue or doubt. "But are you sure?" Yes, absolutely!

Besides that, if it is important to show that you understand and are determined to accompany, you should not make a big deal about it and only talk about it. Ideally, this information should be so trivial that it should generate little more than a nod. But of course we do not live in an ideal world, and we must be careful not to pass off what claims to be a latitudinal attitude as indifference! It's a happy medium that is difficult to find, and which fundamentally depends on your relationship. The most important thing is to have good intentions — the rest will follow naturally. If no one is perfect, and blunders can happen, your grandchild will remember above all the benevolence that drives you. This is ultimately the only message to get across:remember that you love him as he is, and that neither his sexuality nor his gender changes anything!

Finally, not all grandchildren and grandparents have the same relationship. If yours is of sufficient complicity for your descendant to decide to put you in your confidence before speaking to his parents, above all, do not betray this trust. It is entirely up to him to decide if and how he wishes to make this disclosure.

Some habits to adopt

While coming out as gay isn't meant to affect your relationship, there will be some adjustments to be made with a trans grandchild (with any trans person for that matter!).

Certain missteps are particularly to be avoided. Involuntary, they betray a certain indifference or even contempt for what is nevertheless experienced as a fundamental change, and on purpose, they are frankly odious. Be careful moment jargon, borrowed from the academic context of gender studies. The two blunders to fundamentally avoid are gendering and the use of deadname . Gendering refers to the fact of designating a person by a gender different from the one with which he identifies. This is for example the use of the wrong pronoun ("he" instead of "she" and vice versa), or saying "my granddaughter" to talk about the one who is now your grandson. Similarly, the deadname means the birth name of the data subject. Most first names in French being gendered, many people wish to be called by a new first name corresponding to their gender identity or by a unisex diminutive.

Use of inappropriate pronouns such as deadname , which may still be the name used by the civil registry, constantly revive the gender dysphoria from which trans people suffer. By making the effort to use the correct first and last names, you show that you take this transition seriously, and that while your grandchild changes, your relationship remains the same. Better yet, go ahead and ask him if he would like to be named differently, and what his favorite pronouns are. This last point is particularly important, since gender being a social construction, it is perfectly possible to reject it – or at least to reject its binary aspect. Just because your grandchild is no longer a girl or a boy doesn't mean he or she necessarily claims to be the opposite gender. Some may prefer a neutral pronoun. If it is basically absent from the French language, the use of "iel" tends to spread. In general, do not be reluctant to simply ask questions to the first concerned in case of doubt, as the spectrum of gender identities is so wide. Likewise, if reading this article is a good start, do not hesitate to look at the rich literature of gender studies to learn more. There is no shame in being ignorant on the subject (especially when you belong to the older generations!):your grandchild does not expect you to be a specialist in the community queer , but your curiosity on the subject can only be interpreted as a desire to do well and a proof of love.

Of course, this change can take some time, and even the best-meaning grandparent can get it wrong. We do not deconstruct in an instant and a profession of faith a relationship built over the years. In the event of an error, there is no need to be confused in excuses which would only underline a "separate" status. Correct yourself, apologize quickly, and carry on the conversation — the same way you slip the dots and get the wrong name when talking to anyone, after all. Finally, all of these tips are important, but don't be too hard on yourself. The important thing is to make an effort and show it. Once again, it is all the love they contain that will best accompany your grandchild in his coming-out.